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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.